They do have hearing aids, you know. And you can always turn up the volume on the TV. It is a contentious atmosphere in my home to see who wins out -- me, turning up the volume on the TV, or my wife, who is talking on the phone. Before long, she is screaming into the phone, and the kids are complaining in the next room that they can't hear their own TV.

Here I go, getting sidetracked again.

What I really wanted to discuss today are things we all want to hear -- not things I can no longer hear.

Would you shake your head in disbelief and think your hearing was going bad if someone said:

* What if you came to work one morning and your boss told you: "No one has ever done your job better. I am doubling your pay as of today and giving you an extra week's vacation."

* How about if you came home one night and the wife said: "Honey, you work so hard I decided to surprise you, so I called the guys and told them I am paying for a weekend of golf for all of you. You don't have to do any chores around the house, just hang out with the guys all weekend."

* What if the kids told you what a great parent you have been? And, because they appreciated you so much, they were dedicating themselves to making a 4.0 grade-point average, committing to abstinence and working 10 hours each weekend to clean up the house.

* What if the president of the United States, whoever that would be at the time, said he was going to tax any companies who moved their operations overseas and use that money to improve education in the U.S.?

* "Congratulations, you just won the Florida Lottery!"

* "We made a mistake while calculating your tax returns for 2003 and 2004, and you will receive a refund double what you expected, and a nice check from Uncle Sam for your inconvenience."

* "Do you need a backrub, dear?"

* "Honey, I am giving you my bonus check so you and your girlfriends can go shopping all weekend while I watch the kids and clean the house."

* "God has just approved your reservation for heaven."

* "Your alma mater is naming the gymnasium in your honor."

* "That blonde with the long legs and perfect smile is still staring at you," -- talking to your single friend, of course.

* "That hunk with the big shoulders won't take his eyes off you," -- talking to your single female friend, of course.

* "We have just captured Osama bin-Ladin."

* Ford is making a pickup with 300 horsepower that gets 40 miles to the gallon and costs less than $20,000."

* "It's okay if you forget to put the seat down."

And finally . . .

* "We think newspapers are fair and unbiased."

By John Hackworth, Sun Herald
http://www.sun-herald.com/NewsArchive4/011706/tp4de4.htm?date=011706&story=tp4de4.htm